October Edition #16: BRIDE OF THE MONSTER

Director: Edward D. Wood Jr.
Screenplay: Edward D. Wood Jr., Alex Gordon
Starring: Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson, Tony McCoy, Loretta King
Release Date: 1955


BRIDE OF THE MONSTER is only my second Ed Wood film, aside from his “masterpiece” PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE. I wish I could say that this one is as lovably awful as that film, but the fact of the matter is that it is neither bad enough, and certainly not at all good enough to resonate in the memory of this connoisseur of junk cinema.

Tor Johnson and Bela Lugosi, the two titans of tedium.

Quick, we’ve a got a rubber squid puppet, Bela Lugosi, a professional wrestler and a bullwhip! Let’s make a movie! That appears to be the thought process behind the making of this thing. The story, if you can call it that, concerns the mad Dr. Eric Vornoff (Lugosi) living in the old Willow place, a dilapidated mansion on the edge of Marsh Lake. The government of his country has exiled him for his experiments with atomic energy attempting to create a race of supermen, and so, with the help of his faithful manservant Lobo (Johnson)  he captures anyone unfortunate enough to stumble upon his manor and submits them to his vile experiment, which more or less involves strapping a colander to their heads and electrocuting the fuck out of them until they are as dead as dog shit. This rash of disappearances have spurred rumors in the neighboring town of a monster living in the forest, rumors egged on by constant coverage by intrepid reporter Janet Lawton. Deciding to investigate on her own, she is immediately captured by Lobo and brought back to Vornoff’s lab. Her boyfriend, the unfortunately named police lieutenant Dick Craig, is in hot pursuit, culminating in an inaction-packed climax where some “stuff” allegedly “happens” and then the flick just kinda ends.

Off his meds, a demented Bela Lugosi attempts to invent the Macarena.

My brief synopsis gives this film far too much credit as there really is not an awful lot happening here. The movie is chock full of scenes in which characters unload pages of expository dialogue, none of which advances the plot in any way. What little excitement there is involves a few brief scenes with Vornoff’s pet giant squid, brought to eye-rolling life by footage of a normal-sized squid filmed in a tiny aquarium, and a totally inert rubber squid puppet that the actors are forced to unconvincingly wrestle with, very obviously manipulating the arms themselves. I don’t know who the fuck the monster of the title is supposed to be. I guess Lobo, or maybe the squid? It certainly doesn’t help matters that the plot meanders so much, at one point making a big deal out of the fact that Vornoff once lived near Loch Ness, possibly spawning that legend, but that thread is quickly dropped before anything interesting comes of it.

It's okay, Mr. Lugosi. We're all embarrassed for you, too.

This flick is full of all of the unsavory qualities expected given Woods’ reputation. The brick walls of the lab look to be painted on cardboard, certain lines make absolutely no sense, cops randomly fire their guns wildly off screen at stock footage of alligators, and at one point a boom mike actually dangles in the middle of the screen for an entire scene. Maybe I’ve grown jaded from years of watching terrible movies, but none of this was amusing to me, certainly not like PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE, which at least featured The Amazing Criswell, flying saucers on strings, and Vampirella. All this has is a hunk of squid-shaped plastic, a depressing performance from the sadly waning Bela Lugosi, and….. I got nothing’, man.

There you have it, folks! The worst special effect in the history of movies.

Well garsh darnit! It looks like he's wrestlin' with some sorta varmint!

Instead of watching this, I would suggest putting in Tim Burton’s fascinating ED WOOD, which covers all of the lowlights of the making of this and several other Wood “classics” in depressingly hilarious detail. This was just boring, and if it wasn’t for the ridiculously brief running time, I might not have had the fortitude to finish it. There is very little reward to be had in polishing off this turd. For Ed Wood completists only.

My Rating:
4/10

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER ends with a shot of the perfect visual metaphor for itself.